The cat community of the American University of Beirut is world-renowned for several reasons. Many AUBites adore them, and many others utterly despise them, but at the end of the day, these cats are more privileged and awesome than you are, and here’s why:

1- Diplomatic Immunity

What happens if you’re exhausted from going up the notorious Chemistry stairway-to-hell, and carelessly let your guard down by placing your heavy backpack on the ground to rest you throbbing arm? If you guessed it’s taken hostage by a cat, congratulations! You’re an AUBite!

At AUB, you cannot mistreat any resident cat. That includes handling them, beating them or even moving them off your bench, table or in our previous example, your very own backpack. With citation-happy campus police ogling you as you try to figure out how to lure the cat away from your food or stuff, the only option is usually to succumb to the feline fiends and go to class, note-less, book-less and hungry…

At AUB, a Dean’s Warning is a big deal. Two of those bad boys will send you packing. If you manhandle a cat, you get one. So, if you’re a an anti-feline nazi, why not try less cat-tolerant NDU?

2- Free Health Care

As AUBites, you’re expected to have your own health insurance, or enroll in the university Health Insurance Plan (HIP) for a certain fee every semester. But, when you’re a cat, you can forget about paying ever-rising fees, enduring bureaucratic procedures or maneuvering absurd loopholes. Why? Cause you get free health care!

In a move that would impress Socialist Obama himself, feline health is very well taken care of without the cats paying a cent (freeloaders!). AUBites might notice bad-ass cats with weird, clipped right ears. Awesome battle-scar, rough-sex bite or maybe bold fashion statement might come to mind. Unfortunately, AUB cats are too lazy to battle, most of them are sterile and they are all nudists.

Instead, the clipped ear is to differentiate the unlucky cats who already got injected with a big fat needle and had their Fallopian tubes tied. The others are either illegal immigrants, or have successfully eluded the cat authorities.

3- Free Lodging and Food

With apartments on Bliss Street no less than $1200 a month, AUB cats live, eat and of course poop on what is probably the most sought-after and prime real estate locations in Beirut: the AUB Campus.

As if their free colonization of the campus wasn’t enough, and you paying thousands of dollars a semester to live in a semi-habitable excuse of a room, they also get very well-fed!

Whilst we have a choice of either eating grease and motor-oil wrapped in paper, or a surprise funky ingredient in our sandwiches in most restaurants on Bliss Street, our beloved feline freres get to eat a well-balanced, specially prepared meal, twice a day!

Also, AUB states that the “feeding areas are placed as far away as possible from campus buildings and residences.” It’s obvious the food is so good, the AUB administration is afraid some of its students might dip into the cat’s bounty instead of dishing out serious cash for whatever the cafeteria is offering.

So, these diplomatically immune, immunized cats, are also provided with gourmet food and five-star accommodations.

4- They’ve Replaced The Indigenous Population of Overly-Pampered Animals

AUB is well-known as an important and highly crucial regional bird reserve. Rare and dwindling bird species found refuge in AUB’s densely forested areas, but now AUB Cats’ Flickr account boasts cats can do anything from “hunting in vast green areas to chilling and people-watching at College Hall”.

This would be awesome if cats were Sylvesters and birds were Tweetys… Unfortunately, Darwin’s Natural Selection gave the cats and edge and thus, to acquire the “Cat Resort” vanity stamp, AUB is quickly losing its official status as a bird sanctuary.

5- Cats Pimp Their Way To The Top, Yet Feminists Cuddle With Them

The fat cats that lay around well-known spots are usually males. They barely ever move, and you find them evenly distributed on campus. The one dearest to my heart is the fatso that has conquered the Chemistry department premises, and can usually be seen on one of the tables outside the doors of the Chem building.

He is not neutered, only females are. So, he can have his way with as many as he wants, without worrying about getting his girls pregnant. Yet, instead of being scorned for objectifying females and using them as sex tools, he is hurled with “apipi” and “abareeneh” from event the most unattractive of dateless feminists!

Jealous much?

6- Cats Make Fat People Self-Conscious

Imagine you being a fat person, eating Malek el Tawouk, with Persephone staring at you like that (yes, I name the cats I bump into frequently at AUB). Exactly, it’ll lead you to run away ashamed, and binge-eat in some underground Basement and cry yourself to sleep, all the while getting even more obese.

The cat? Aside from the satisfaction of ruining people’s lives, it probably will be able to gingerly gobble down whatever you threw away in your fit of anguish at being forever alone and on your way to your safe zone.

7- Cats Have Support Groups and Leagues

Apart from the currently defunct Animal Welfare Club, which used to lobby, fundraise and fight to the death for our feline brethren, there are rumors that a secret Cat League at AUB, composed of AUB’s most prominent faculty and administration members, engages in Ancient Egyptian cat-worshiping. I mean come on, President Dorman is after all an Egyptologist.

8- 10,000 USD To Finance AUB Cats’ Good Life

This is a topic wanna-be Che Guevaras absolutely adore. They see it as a clear betrayal of their Marxist principles (when they haven’t actually read the Communist Manifesto). And never mind their $200 signature “che” shirt that is fueling what they call the capitalist, imperialist machine, 10,000 dollars is too much to spend on cats!

The food, staff, healthcare and awareness cost a total of 10,000 USD, which is almost double what an FAS semester cost. So, one of us 7000′s tuition goes to these cats.

and THAT’s why AUB cats are more awesome than you!

special thanks to Fouad Badaoui