1- They Get Ready in Seconds

We have all suffered the never-ending female rituals of getting ready. Intricate mating face-painting (otherwise known as makeup), hair-dos that look like a dismembered cat, clothes that are too tight, short and expensive to have fun in, and of course, heels that could puncture the jugular of an elephant from a kilometer away.

Dogs? Just show them the leash in your hand and they’re out of the door like you after a booty call.

2- You Can Be the Alpha Male

The last thing you want is a horde of dateless feminists bashing you for being a chauvinist or whatever. And if you’re lucky enough to have normal girls around you, who can get a date if they want to, you must never win an argument. This is an unspoken rule, and if you’re a sly enough guy, you’ll know to roll over on your back and lift your paws up early on in the argument, to get it over with and go clubbing wherever you booked. That’s what is called a win-win situation, where your overcompensation for gender equality is quenched, and ultimately everyone is happy!

Dogs? One command, and they’re on their backs with their paws up. All hail the alpha male (which can also be a female, for all you feminists cracking your comment-typing fingers)

3- They Attract Girls

If you’re walking down the street with your girlfriend, well maybe not a street, but your campus for example, or in a club, you might as well cease to exist for other girls. Again, hopefully, if you are a decent and normal female human being, you ought to think that. Imagine all your missed chances guys… Shame…

Dogs? Dogs are always cute, unless they’re slobbering over everyone of course, so walking your dog down the street, will attract girls among other annoying people, like kids. They want to pet and talk gibberish like “oobobobnoon pooshiepooshik”, and as your dog is thinking “seriously?” That’s when you can work your charm and win her heart!

4- They Don’t Know How to Use the Remote

No matter how smart your pooch is, it won’t be able to decipher the machine I use to hack into cable networks. Girls though, do have that capability, and usually it winds down to Oprah or Syrian-dubbed Turkish melodramas full of what the Turks believe are “subliminal” messages, and the Arabs edit everything naughty into the opposite thing and quote Allah, like “Allah wouldn’t want this so I definitely won’t do it” So, unless you’re up for failed attempts at brainwashing you into converting to fundamentalist Islam, or forgetting the Turks are bad, or regretting you weren’t born a fat, cynical, black woman, then let your girlfriend have the remote.

Dogs? They can’t even use the remote control, and as a result will watch all the gore, explosions, sci-fi, football and racing you need to lead a happy existence.

5- You Can Go Out Without Them

There’s an awesome party, beautiful music and sexy people. Problem? Your girlfriend hates the venue, doesn’t like the music or the sexy people there are her sworn enemies. So, if you want to do things proper, you don’t go either. Solution? Stay home and get bored. State? Miserable.

Dogs? They trust you enough to let you go, knowing you’d eventually come back. They sit at home, wait the long hours, only to welcome you with bucket-loads of unconditional love.